Sometimes “I Don’t Want To” Means “I’m Afraid”

There was a night when my daughter was in fourth grade that she walked into the kitchen and made an announcement.

“I’m not going to be in the school play.”

This was surprising, because she had been excited about it for weeks. Talking about auditions. Wondering about practices. Imagining what parts she and her friends might get.

It was a stand out moment as a parent. She hadn’t made a commitment to be in the play yet, so I didn’t feel the need to “make” her do it, but I also knew there was more to it than simply changing her mind.

“Why not?” I asked.

“I just don’t want to,” she said.

I knew I had to push a little further. And that’s when the tears came.

Through the emotions we finally came to it: she didn’t actually not want to be in the play—she was afraid to try out.

We hugged. We talked. We came to the conclusion that being afraid wasn’t a good enough reason to not try.

She auditioned.

And then she was in the school play every year after that. She had the lead several times.
Eight years later, she’s a dyed-in-the-wool theater kid and an art major in college.

It’s a great lesson to learn as a kid but guess who’s learning it as an adult?

(Me, if you didn’t get it.)

I’m supposed to be going to Africa in a couple of weeks and if I’m being honest, I don’t really want to go.

When I said that out loud to a friend, it felt like the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me of that moment in our kitchen all those years ago. The moment when my daughter said she didn’t want to do something, but what she really meant was that she was afraid to do it.

That realization stopped me.

Because the truth is, I’m uncomfortable. I’m afraid.

Afraid of how rough the travel is going to be.
Afraid of the exhaustion.
Afraid of the emotions.
Afraid of the vaccinations.
Afraid I won’t pack the right things. (Seriously, what do you pack?)

Once I started naming them, the fears just kept coming.

Am I still afraid? Yeah… a little.

But finally admitting that fear has given me something to talk to God about. Instead of just feeling vague resistance or dread, now there’s clarity. Now there’s honesty. Now there’s something He and I can work on.

What are you afraid of right now?

What is something you want to do but fear is quietly talking you out of it?

Spend some time talking to God about that thing. Ask Him for help. Because once we acknowledge what we’re afraid of, we can stop pretending we just “don’t want to” and start getting the courage we need to move forward.