That was the night I realized my marriage was over.

If I could’ve melted into the ground, I would have. Have you ever cried so much that your mind begins to spiral into scary places? I started thinking thoughts that honestly frightened me; thoughts to do things my way and thoughts that didn’t honor God.

I just wanted the pain to go away.

Then there was this moment on my cold bathroom floor. This moment of clarity, where I thought to myself, “Wait, you either believe this whole God thing or you don’t. Because if you do you know God is with you, you can’t do anything that you’re thinking.”

More tears. That moment of surrender felt like a death, and it was. It was a death of my ideas and my way of coping. “Okay God, I give it to you.” I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt this overwhelming peace and I got up from the floor that night a different woman. A woman completely reliant on God’s grace, because it’s all I had.

I prayed for God to show me what to do next because I didn’t want to spend any more time feeling sorry for myself. And then I remembered what I encourage other people to do when they’re going through it- get out and serve someone.

I reached out to some of my friends who I’d worked with before doing prison ministry. No one knew what I was facing behind closed doors. She said that she needed someone to go with her group to the prisons in California.

I’d never been to California, and these were some of the toughest prisons in the country. I was intimidated but I knew I had to go. “Okay, God.”

I’ll never forget that day, standing in that maximum security prison yard with about 500 inmates looking right at me. The sun was coming up behind them and as I stood there getting ready to speak all I could do was pray internally, “God, help me.”

During the darkest season of my life, battling struggles that I couldn’t speak about, here I was looking into the faces of these men. I could see the sadness, the broken dreams, and the curiosity on their faces. I knew I had a job to do, give them Jesus.

I shared my story of growing up with a father who was in and out of prison. I told them how my dad was a big teddy bear, how I loved laughing with him, and how devastated I was the first time I saw him in chains. I was about 7 years old when I realized what prison was.

I told them as I grew older, I couldn’t take the disappointment anymore and when he made a mistake that sent him into prison when I was a young adult, I decided I was done. I vowed I’d never speak to my dad again. As I grew in a relationship with Jesus, he whispered forgiveness.

After 6 years of not talking to my dad who was serving a 35-year sentence, I knew it was time. I drove to the prison on a cold day in December, gave him a big hug, and told him I loved him. I also told him Jesus loved him and that’s why I was there. A few years later, to both of our surprise, my dad was released early and today is home. After speaking, I watched as the men cleared the bleachers they were sitting on and rushed forward to the altar—many of them with tears in their eyes.

One man said, “I don’t believe in any of this, I’m into Scientology, but I believe you and I want to know more about this Jesus.”

He gave his life to Jesus that day.

Another said, “I never stay in the yard when we have visitors like this, but you started telling your story and I had to hear how it ended.”

He gave his life to Jesus that day.

Another said in more colorful words,

“That was the realest thing I’ve ever seen. You were talking and I was doing my best not to cry because this is prison and we don’t cry here. But you made me cry. Thank you for coming.”

He gave his life to Jesus that day.

I was so overwhelmed by the response I sat, cried and just thanked God. All I could say was, “That was all you God, that was all You.” If it were up to me, I would have quit and self-destructed.

How strange is it that hundreds of men finding Jesus in prison is what helped me heal from my divorce?

Since then, I’ve been to many prisons and it’s helped me. Countless people are hurting and feeling hopeless, and getting to speak into their lives has been a gift. It reminds me that everyone is going through something, many times it’s something you know nothing about.

If that’s you today, know you are not forgotten, and you are not alone.

Surrender it all to Jesus and watch what He can do. One of my favorite Bible verses is:

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. | 1 John 4:4

He sees everything you’re going through and wants to help. What that looks like is between you and God, but I know whatever it is, is something incredible!

God can heal instantly, and He can heal over time. But just know- He’s a Savior who uses it all! Every tear, every argument, every person you encounter, every single second of your life is a testimony.

Maybe prison ministry isn’t the call God has on your life. But, when one door closes, He’ll open another. Your divorce is not the end of your story. God’s not finished with you yet.

At this point in my life, I have come to a new level of realization of the goodness and faithfulness of God, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the heartache of that night on my bathroom floor.

I’d like to pray for you before you go.

God thank you for my friend who’s reading this, thank you for the heart and love for you that’s still intact despite the struggles they’re facing. I pray that you would lead them and give them clarity like never before. Heal the hurts that this world has caused. Give them the strength to walk out this season in a way that honors and brings you glory. Let your will be done. God we trust you through it all. In Jesus name, Amen.

I love you and I’m rooting for you!

Your friend, Reyna

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