Christian Music Artists As Professional Wrestlers

MercyMEAN

“It’s Millard Time!” Professional Wrestler MercyMEAN taunts into the microphone from the stage of Wrestlemania 3:16. Bart shouts from the stage “I’m about to BRING THE RAIN! Say I won’t!” The crowd cheers and starts to chant, “Say I won’t! Say I won’t! Say I won’t!” And Millard busts into his signature Happy Dance.

Later, after another Flawless match against the Bruiseboys, Millard reflects honestly, “I admit I’m a little Homesick. If I could write 20 year old self a letter, it would say, ‘Dear Younger Me, Don’t go into professional wrestling. Go sing for a living.” He continues, “Even if I wouldn’t have made it in music, I wonder everyday where I’d be now. I guess I can only imagine.”

Zach “The Chainbreaker” Williams

BruiseBoys

After Peter “The Aussie” Furler retired from the WWE, his longtime American nemesis Tait forcefully took over his wrestling team in a 2009 Move that shocked fans. After years of watching his Aussie teammates being replaced with Americans, Peter approached the team and demanded, “Take Me To Your Leader!”

In a backroom meeting, Tait agreed to unite with The Aussie once again. “This is a chance for all of us to Shine,” said Tait. “With the help of the Aussie contingent, we’re going to eat other teams for Breakfast.”

“It’s like the teams been Born Again,” Furler exclaimed. “I’m Not Ashamed to say it, ‘We Believe we’re now the most talented team in the WWE.'” When asked how long he plans to continue with the BruiseBoys, Furler said, “At this point in my life, I Am Free to do whatever I want. But as far as deciding how long to stay on, there’s A Million Pieces to consider. I’ll know when it’s time to give it up for good. It’s just a Spirit Thing.”

Phil Wicked

NEEDTOBLEED

Bear’s gritty voice breaks as he discusses his Brother Bo’s early retirement from the ring, “When me and Bo dreamed of pro wrestling together as boys in Possum Kingdom, GA, I never dreamed we’d get this far. It feels like an Out of Body experience to be in the ring without him.”

“Who Am I without him? Hang On…” As Bear starts crying he says, “Wrestling isn’t just about Money & Fame to me. Anyone who loves the ring will Testify to this: It’s not just about Survival. It’s about Happiness. Without Bo, I Wanna Remember how to make the art of wrestling Something Beautiful.”

Killstrong United

Casting Crowbars

“If you want to Thrive as a wrestler, you gotta scream one thing Until the Whole World Hears!” says Mark Hall of Casting Crowbars. He continues, “You have to have the Voice of Truth that Nobody can silence.”

Casting Crowbars has found remarkable success with the fans because of his Courageous new moves including the “East to West,” a move where he crosses the ring in one flip and pins his opponent. “Some wrestlers need to Just Be Held, and they’ll tap out,” Hall says in his typical intense, but nonchalant way. His favorite, but least famous move is called “One Awkward Moment.” It’s not only hard to watch. It’s hard to put in writing.

We Are Messin’ Up Your Face

“You can put me in a cage, but I’m gonna bust right out! Wooo!” the fiery new Irish wrestler yells! As the new 5’8″ WWE star enters the ring against the 7’7″ Jorge “Giant” Gonzalez, he looks at the fans and yells, “I wanna see these Giants Fall!” And the whole crowd erupts to cheer on the Irish underdog with a thunderous chant of, “Power! Power! Power!”

Once in the ring, We Are Messin’ Up Your Face motions toward Gonzalez as if to say, “Come See what I’ll do to you.” The Giant takes WAMUYF’s invitation, and soon discovers wrestling the Irish upstart is like Dancing in the Dark. After a quick defeat, Gonzalez says in his confusion, “How did he beat me? I Don’t Have The Answers.”

“I can’t explain it either,” says We Are Messin’ Up Your Face, “But once I enter the ring Everything Comes Alive.”

Skillet as Themselves

No wrestler on the planet can measure up to Skillet. John Cooper drops truth bombs on his opponents everyday. With a guitar that shoots out fireworks, smoke cannons attached to his arms, and two Skillet themed comic books, John doesn’t need the WWE to succeed. He just needs Jesus and a little bit of beard oil.